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I was just blocked from her other diary. *sighs*

On the boards, though, I got a reading. It seems pretty accurate.

Significator - Ten of Wands - This implies that perhaps you have bitten off more than you can chew. Your imagination has been stifled by too many worldly concerns and some of the youthful daring and willingness to take risks has been lost. Certain things may need to be relinquished so that the creative process can be refreshed and a new cycle may begin.

Crossing Card - the Star - this card portends the experience of hope, meaning and faith in hte midst of difficulties - this can mean to beware of blind hope without the necessary action to build on it.

Above, outer Seeming - King of Swords - Meeting or developing in yourself the gift of intellectual leadership and strategy. Inspired ideas about how to develop things in the future.

Below, Inner Seeming - Four of Cups - Boredom, dissatisfaction, a sense of having been cheated, although often you have cheated yourself with unrealistic expectations.

Past Influences - Knight of Pentacles - You may need to anchor yourself into the ordinary tasks of living (or perhaps you have been).

Forthcoming Influences - Three of Pentacles - a time of early success in some material endeavour. A project may earn profits or a creative venture may show success.

Where you are now - Temperance - indicates the need for a flow of feeling, things may have become stagnant, but there is potential for harmony.

Views of Others - King of Wands - need to develop ability to initiate new ideas and sell them to others - generating change in your own life and immediate environment. The Spirit of leadership.

Hopes and Fears - Five of Cups - regret over past actions, something has gone wrong, a betrayal, and there is sadness and remorse - not necessarily a final ending, it is up to you to rise to the challenge and make the commitment to the future.

Possible Outcome - Queen of Cups - the deep, unknowable, paradoxical world of feeling. "For the man who is unaware of the depths of his own soul, and bases his reality on rational thought and concrete facts, the Queen of Cups heralds a deepening development of the inner life, whether or not hte catalyst is an actual woman."

And it helps some.

I played D&D tonight. I also taught Kitten how to fight, some.

I've noticed something. I've lost my ability to express myself with words. I can't describe anything anymore. I can't write a story. I can't adequately scribble down my thoughts. I can't even spell at times. I don't know if it's because some part of me doesn't want to, or what, but it's like a great wall has been placed between me and the creative part of my soul. This has been building up for the past two or three months, I think, and it's got to the point where it really hurts. This was one of the strengths I've always prided myself on and I can't use it.

Something else that sucks - I've not been fighting well lately either. I'm not terrible, but I've been hit with shots that I normally would block easy. Or I'd loosen my grip at the wrong time and lose my weapon. Or I constantly hit with the flat of the blade. I've never been a great fighter, but I've been pretty good. That's something else I've prided myself on. That if I can't beat someone, I can normally at least give them a good run, or at least something new to chew on. The past few fights I've had have been against inexperienced opponents. True, it's no dishonor to lose, but I've been going about equal with them. I'd win one, they'd win. I take their arm, they take my arm at the same time. And most of the time this is because of stupid mistakes I make. I don't follow through with an attack. I don't step forward to get them within my reach. I don't take the easy shot through their defense. *sighs*

What else am I good at that I'm going to lose soon? Hell...nothing exceptional jumps out of me. I lost my ability to write, I lost my ability to fight, and I lost Heather. What's next? My hair? My acting? My cats? My friends will lose their interest in me? My computer will catch a virus and stop working? I'll lose even hope?

My life isn't turning upside down right now. It's going inside out, through a funnel, and into a mold that I have no idea what it's shaped like yet.

Slainte

John-Boy