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Today's just not been that wonderful. Right now I'll be damned if I know if I'll actually be able to continue to go to school next year and that really sucks. I like school. I just can't get off my ass to do anything.

My social paranoia is kicking in again. After the last night of Cabaret (tonight), I went to a cast party. It really just convinced me that I'm neither particularly liked nor respected except by a select few. I don't have anyone I'm close to anymore who lives anywhere near by and there are some things you can only talk to certain people, you know? I miss Squeaky and Lydia. For all of their failings, they are who I need right now.

Izzy is moving away this summer, which sucks. I'll miss her something terrible.

Tuesday I sprained my ankle at a rehearsal for Cabaret. Thus, I've been sitting on the sidelines so to speak. The most use I've been for the theatre is that I sold concessions yesterday for Alpha Psi and I helped strike the set tonight.

You know what I'd like? I'd like to have a day where I hang out with people and I don't have to deal with the snubs I'm not supposed to get or that are meant but too slight for me to "have reason" to be upset. I want to be able to have my ankle twisted and not have someone say I'm a pussy for using a stick that evening to help me get around. I want to get up from my seat and return to it after less than a minute without having someone already occupying it. I want to be able to go a day without having my failings blown out of proportion and rubbed in my face. I'm not being picky, I don't think. Is it so much to ask that I can be hurt and not made fun of when favoring my wound? That someone at least find out if I'm returning to my seat before sitting? That I'm not repeatedly called an incoherent and barely human idiot with a less than basic grasp of the English language? Shit, I'd be satisfied if I could hug my friends and not feel like I'm imposing.

It'd be nice to have some willpower. I can never stop myself from doing anything, or even start myself along most paths. The only thing I can do is an active resistance against someone else, and I don't like doing that.

Some good news, I guess. Tonight while striking the set, Jeff and I took a nine foot 4x4 outside and had an impromptu caber toss. That was fun, and I won. And one of my favorite songs just started playing on Winamp.

Slainte

John-Boy